Many of us have grown up to believe that to be ladylike, you must sit still, be quiet and be a good girl. And for those of us who may have grown up in the church, a good Christian girl. Good girls don’t cause trouble. They don’t speak up when things bother them. Good girls keep to themselves, they do the right thing, they keep it together. Based on the environment we grew up in and who our influences were, we were programmed on how to act to be labeled a good girl. With this type of conditioning and programming, it’s no surprise that many of us have grown up to allow and accept less than we deserve. We’ve basically been taught to settle. We allow and accept disrespectful behavior. We keep things to ourselves instead of speaking up. We deny our very own truth. We won’t even acknowledge how we really feel. So when it comes to a relationship, as women, many of us have gotten into relationships with men that don’t have our best interest at heart. We have gotten into relationships with men that don’t honor us. We’ve gotten into relationships with men for all of the wrong reasons. And a lot of it stems from what we were taught about relationships and love in our childhood, what we saw, and what we experienced – all of which we brought into our adulthood. If we were taught to just sit still, keep quiet, and be good little girls, then that’s what we grew up to do with the expectation that we would be exhibiting our high value, good woman behavior and would get rewarded for it. Such bullshit! Trying to be the perfect ‘good woman’ is probably doing more harm than good. And it has clearly not gotten you what you wanted otherwise you probably wouldn’t be reading this. There’s nothing wrong with being a good woman. You should be. I’m not saying you should be a bad girl. However, the concept of being a ‘good woman’ to try to live up to society’s expectations and other people’s expectations of how you should be is an issue. A good woman doesn’t have to be a doormat. She doesn’t have to keep quiet to be ladylike. A good woman should voice her concerns and/or opinions. A good woman isn’t a puppet. She’s a person. She’s a human being with feelings like everyone else. She needs to communicate to a man what her wants and needs are. She deserves to have standards and not waver if a man doesn’t meet them. Ladies, in case you don’t know, a good woman is a PRIZE for a good man. We are the prize. One of the effects of growing up with that BS ‘good girl’ programming is that it may have caused you to just sit still and allow yourself to be chosen by a man. When I say chosen, I mean that you have made it all about him; you let him choose you versus you choosing him. You have given up your power by not setting standards or not enforcing your standards and/or not speaking up at all about your needs and wants in an effort not to cause trouble, not to scare a man away. Remember, good girls don’t cause trouble, right? So you just settle for whatever a man says or does. That’s really disheartening and unfortunate. You deserve so much more. You’re a Queen. Queens don’t settle. You get to choose. You get to steer the wheel in your love life. I have made mistakes and dishonored myself in the past. We all have. So I had to become aware of the same mistakes I was making, how what I was taught as a child influenced my decision making, heal from it, and commit to improving myself. I’ve had to increase my self-awareness and self-love. And that is ongoing. So we have to wake up at some point and realize that men are only treating us how we are allowing ourselves to be treated and it is a direct reflection of the love we have for ourselves. Here are a few tips to help you make a change:
Become Aware. You have to do the inner work to heal. It is a fact that what we experience as children plays a role in how we live our lives as adults. Go back to your childhood. Who taught you about relationships? Who showed you what love felt like? Did you feel loved at all? Ask yourself those types of questions. You have to go back to the root to understand where your thoughts and ideas of love and relationships came from and how that’s been influencing your love life as an adult. We tend to sabotage relationships because of our unhealed wounds. We also tend to get in relationships to try to fill a void that stemmed from our childhood. It’s important to become self-aware so you can recognize patterns or habits that keep showing up that are hindering you when it comes to relationships. You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. You have to address any unresolved issues to move forward. You have to take the steps to heal so you can release the old to make room for the new. New mindset, new habits, etc. that help you attract new love.
Increase Your Self-Love. Self-love is mandatory! How you treat yourself is how others will treat you. You set the standard. There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself. You should be a priority in your own life. You can’t expect a man to come in and tell you that you are beautiful, for example, if you don’t even think that you’re beautiful. You have to love yourself. You have to know your worth. Don’t go looking for man to define your worth. Don’t go looking for a man to fill a void. You have to take time off to give to yourself. We sometimes get into relationships out of boredom or desperation. Get back to what makes you happy. Get back to your goals and dreams. What inspires you? Work on yourself. Use the time that you’re single to invest in yourself and grow yourself. Become the best version of yourself. When you are happy and full of life and doing your thing, it’s less likely that you’ll go out looking to fill a void or just because you’re bored or out of desperation. The better you are for yourself, the better you are for everyone else. When you are better, you attract better. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you. You’re a Queen. Are you treating yourself like a Queen or a peasant?
Stop Seeking Approval. We all want to be liked. We all want to fit in. We all want everyone to like and accept us. That can only happen in a perfect world. We definitely don’t live in a perfect world. Perfection doesn’t exist. Stop worrying about what others think. Stop letting people tell you what you should want, what you should need. Live your life on your terms. Keep your standards. Do what makes you happy. I already mentioned the importance of self-love. You have to put yourself first. When you do, some people may not respond positively to your new attitude. So what! Those who matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter. If you constantly put everyone else’s needs and wants before your own and what they think is best for you before your own, you’re setting yourself up for a life of disappointment and unhappiness. At some point, you have to not give an F and just do you. If you and God agree, that’s all that matters. You only get to live once. Don’t get to your death bed and be full of regret. If being a good woman means you must succumb to the status quo and everyone else’s expectations, then I say f*ck being a ‘good’ woman. Just be a Woman, period.
Take care of yourself, heal from the past, move forward, increase your self-love and self-worth. You deserve the highest level of love, God’s best. You are worth it. You deserve it.