Relationships. When we were single, we talked about them, we fantasized about them, and we couldn’t wait to be in one. But… did you get in the relationship for the right reasons? Did you get in the relationship because you truly were ready for one or were you just bored? Were you just lonely and wanting company? Or were you just in love with the idea of being in a relationship? Sometimes we may feel like we want a relationship when we see our girlfriends getting married and feel left out. Society has made 30 the magical age somehow for a woman to be married by. Remember the fairy tales? By 30, you should be married with your 2 kids, a dog and your house with the white picket fence. So if you hit 30 or are over the age of 30 and you’re still single, what’s wrong with you? That’s what society makes you question. There must be something wrong with you because you haven’t settled down yet so you start questioning your worth. I say to hell with that! You are not defined, your worth is not defined by your relationship status. I see people in relationships that don’t need to be in them. They are just roommates. They are just going through the motions. It’s a one-sided relationship. I was engaged before and that relationship ended because we were no longer aligned. We’re both good people, just were not right for each other anymore at that time. People grow apart and it’s okay. So I know the importance of being equally yoked with someone. In other words, the importance of being on the same wavelength with someone you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with. Hence, why I refuse to settle. If you’re in a relationship, you should be happy. The two of you should bring out the best in each other. You should both genuinely like each other and love each other. No relationship is perfect of course. You’ll have your ups and downs but overall, it’s love. There’s love. And people can feel that when they’re around you. Granted, we know some people play it off; they put on a show in front of people and behind closed doors despise each other. But why? Why are you in a loveless relationship? Why are you in a situation where you’re clearly unhappy and/or questioning the other person’s love for you? Where is your self-respect? I write for women but the principles almost always apply to men as well. So, there will never ever be intentional male bashing, just my point of view. I believe in love. I believe we are all worthy and deserving of love. We all want to love and be loved. However, a relationship should give to us, not take away from us. There should be value to coming together. Here are a few signs that you may need to consider whether or not you’re in a healthy relationship:
Illness. If you’re consistently stressed out and getting sick, this could be a sign that you’re not in the right relationship. Les Brown, a world renowned motivational speaker, talked about something called relational illness in the movie ‘Beyond The Secret’. There are some people that can make you sick. It may sound crazy but think about it. If you are a vibrant and optimistic person, for example, and you get in a relationship with a pessimistic curmudgeon, there is a high probability that you will become like them. You’ll go from being a high energy person down to being a low energy pessimist. Why? Because we are who we hang around. We feed off of each other’s energy. It’s like that saying ‘birds of a feather flock together’ or the law of association. So if you are not in the right relationship, your health could suffer. All of the emotional and mental stress can take its toll on you. So pay attention to how you honestly feel. You shouldn’t be consistently stressed out or ill.
Goals/Vision. Are you both aligned to each other’s life visions? Do you want to live the same type of lifestyle? Are you both into growth or is one person just comfortable and not open to change? It is important that you be in a relationship with someone who is on the same wavelength as you. A person who has a wealth mindset, for example, and a person who has a poverty mindset won’t make it. A person who loves to travel may have a hard time being with someone who never wants to go anywhere, let alone outside the US, for example. We have to be honest with ourselves. Sharing the same values is crucial. You have to be aligned to what’s most important in each other’s lives. It’s kind of like the non-negotiable list (which should be values-based, not superficial) – there are certain things that are non-negotiable for you to consider being in a relationship. If you haven’t done a list like that, your deal breakers essentially, I suggest you do. I would say do a top 5 but top 10 the most; Values that you absolutely need in a relationship. I believe two people should be aligned to each other’s overall life visions. Otherwise, it’s likely not going to work.
Happiness. Simple. Do you feel happy? Are you happy to go home? Do you truly like the person you’re with? Or did you just take the 1st person that showed you some attention? Are you just passing the time with them because at least you have someone? Be honest with yourself. We all deserve true love. I believe we can have the love we desire if we, for one, didn’t settle so much. We have to look within ourselves and do some self-reflection. That will help us discover some hidden beliefs we may have about love and what we think we’re worthy and deserving of. In addition, possible self-esteem issues that we may need to work on. Love is easy. I even heard Steve Harvey say that once. Love itself is easy. In the right relationship, you feel happy. You feel the love. You don’t have to question it. It flows natural. It feels good. It feels right. It is NOT one-sided. You don’t feel like you’re settling. And you sure as hell wouldn’t be thinking about someone else other than your partner if you were truly happy and in love.
Love yourself enough to walk away if it’s no longer growing you or making you happy. If it doesn’t honor you, why are you choosing to stay? Work on you. Increase your self-love. Take time out for yourself to rediscover who you are and what you want from life. You deserve love and you’re worthy of love but it must be right and should be healthy. So don’t settle for less. You’re a Queen and queens don’t settle.