Okay. So I am a fan of having a list of non-negotiables. I believe in the power of clarity and that writing down your deal breakers is good and helps with clarity. If you’ve read any of my previous articles or watched any of my videos, I talk about having your Top 5 list of non-negotiables which should be values-based but no more than a Top 10. With that being said, let’s talk about this. Everyone is entitled to what they want. You know I don’t believe in settling. However, if we’re being totally unreasonable in a sense that we’re consciously or subconsciously looking for perfection, our chances for love are going to be slim. And truthfully, perfection is fear-based. We all have insecurities, we all have issues, and no one is perfect. We’re all flawed yet perfectly imperfect and we will be perfect for the right person. If you’re looking for perfection, you’re already starting off on the wrong foot. A lot of us have our list and for one, we are nowhere near what we are asking for and two, we are being somewhat unreasonable to the point where our wants are too rigid. Here are two examples:
Fitness. Take a woman who is a bodybuilder. Fitness is clearly important to her. She wants a man who is into fitness as well. That alone is realistic because she is a bodybuilder and her lifestyle reflects that. What I believe is unreasonable is that the man has to work out 7 days a week like her. Unreasonable may not be the right word, maybe unfair is. It is already hard for her to find someone who likes to work out regularly. So if she comes across a man who is not a body builder but he does workout, only 4 days a week though, she should not automatically rule him out. Does he really have to work out 7 days a week? Come on. There can be a little wiggle room. He has one of the most important desires she wants but she’s going to pass him up because of the 7 days vs. 4 days? That may be a little too rigid. At least he consistently works out 4 days a week, just not as much as her. He may fully support her, go to her fitness competitions, and be her biggest cheerleader but she’ll never know because the men never get past date 1 as soon as she finds out that he doesn’t work out every day. Is that fair?
Cooking. Take a man who wants a woman that can cook. There are plenty of women who like to cook. I personally don’t have a problem with a man wanting a woman to cook, I have a problem with the automatic expectation of it or the demand of it simply because she’s a woman. In the 21st century, that’s a bit antiquated in my opinion but I digress. The man himself cannot boil an egg. He can’t cook. For one, he is asking for something he cannot do. In this instance, what is he offering in exchange? If she is going to cook, is he going to buy the groceries? Secondly, not only does he want her to cook but he wants her to make everything from scratch. Really? Times have changed. The majority of women are not stay-at-home. They work full-time and have other commitments just like men if not more. So he found a woman that likes to cook but she doesn’t pass because she doesn’t make food from scratch? Come on. He’s not Wolfgang Puck and nowhere near him. I personally like the quick marinades and grill mates, for example. But you’re telling me a woman who would support you, support your goals and dreams and be your biggest fan would get passed up because she basically used ready-made seasoning? He can’t be serious. I can only imagine how many good women this man may be passing up.
No One Is Perfect. Think of the 80/20 rule. You can even say 90/10. The point is that none of us is going to get someone that fits everything. There will be some habit, something that he/she does that we will have to accept. Because guess what? There will be something that YOU do or a habit that you may have that he/she will have to accept about you. Compromise. Give and take. We’re human. We’re talking about real people, not a fantasy world. I don’t want anyone to settle but we can’t be fully close-minded or so stringent that there is no room for error. Perfection doesn’t exist. Bishop T.D. Jakes had some women on one of the episodes of his show and he said that sometimes we all want the finished product. And I immediately thought “No, we don’t”. Lol. (I have Bishop T.D. Jakes on my vision board so all luv). Honestly, he has a good point and it goes both ways; the idea of men and women wanting a finished product as if we are a finished product. Which can’t be true because we are always growing and evolving so essentially we would never be a finished product. I think it’s fair to ask for and want someone who at least has goals and is tangibly progressing towards them if you are, for example. And notice money has never been brought up in this article. It’s not always about money. It is about being reasonable or fair, if you will, in what you are asking for relative to where you’re at, what you have to give as well. And loosening up the grip a bit to allow for someone to come into your life who isn’t perfect but who likely has the 80% that you need. When it comes down to it, when you really think about what you truly need, ask yourself – is it really a deal breaker? Chances are, it’s probably not. Let’s not make the process to finding love any more difficult than it already is and open up a bit more.